4 Common Reasons Why a Married Woman Loses Motivation About Having Sex With Her Husband

If asked what was more important to you, which option would you pick: cuddling with your husband or having sex him?

While many of us would say “Cuddling,” our husbands would probably take the sex!

Why?

For one, most men are more body-centered and sexually motivated than women. And we, on the other hand, are more relational and emotional.

While men will give affection to get sex, women will give sex to get affection. This difference of opinions can often cause conflict within the marriage.

I have often asked God why sex is so important to men, but not as much to women. One person said that if both the husband and wife had the same motivation about sex, nothing would ever get done. The kids, the house, and the dog would be neglected.

So God created us to balance one another out when it comes to our approach on sex. With this being said, one of the most major parts of marriage is sex. However, many women don’t enjoy sex and could ultimately live their entire lives without ever having sex with their husbands.

Below you will find four common reasons why women often lose motivation about having sex with their husbands:

1) Emotions. Women tend to be very emotional at different points in their lives. Much of it is hormonal, but some of it can be cultural or familial. For example, if a woman’s mother often allowed her hormones to rule her to where she was often “touchy” and sensitive about different situations, chances are this woman will learn to allow her hormones to rule her unless she makes a decision to rule her emotions instead.

2) Fatigue. As women, we are often a primary care giver for the children, especially if we stay at home. This role of being there for our children, (whether we work inside or outside of the home), is not uncommon because we are born nurturers. There’s also housework, mental fatigue, and many other things that can drain our energy throughout the day.

3) Preoccupation. In addition to being deprived of energy, we can become easily distracted when it comes to focusing on sex. Whether it’s a crying baby or a phone call we often establish a habit of allowing other things to take priority over our love lives.

4) Stress. Our emotions and preoccupation can build up which will ultimately lead to stress. What is stress? One dictionary calls stress a state of mental tension that causes feelings of worry or anxiety. Stress will completely cause any passion we have for our husbands to disappear because whatever we stress over will become our focal point in lives, and ultimately to take priority over having sex.

Emotions, fatigue, preoccupation, and stress are a common part of life. However, there are ways that we can put each one into proper perspective so we can obtain balance and experience an extraordinary sex life within the marriage relationship.

Are You Cursing Your Sex Life?

“Our sex life is terrible.”

“My wife is draining the life out of me by refusing me all the time.”

“It would be just fine with me if we never had sex again.”

“How can I not feel like crap when he never desires me?”

“All he cares about is sex, sex, sex.”

Variations of these complaints come across my inbox every day. I understand.

And yet…

It occurs to me that sometimes the words I’m seeing in my inbox or hearing from someone’s mouth have been rehearsed. Again. And again.

Have you ever been so angry/hurt/disappointed that you found yourself stewing over your mate’s faults? Have you felt that you would find relief by somehow articulating just how bad it really is? In fact, you can find yourself blind to all that is good and meditate on all that is bad, crappy, sexless.

It’s easy to do.

And you are welcome to do it.

However, words carry power.

Words stir up our heart in a certain direction.

Words galvanize the meaning we give to experiences.

Really – we could just as easily speak different words, rearrange our focus, and come up with different meaning about the issues we face.

We can’t change the past, but we can change the meaning we give to past events, and transform our reality.

But what do “blessing” and “cursing” really mean?

There are dictionary definitions for these terms, but for our purpose I’m going to define the words like this:

  • Bless – verb: to release life, happiness, healing and wholeness to a situation or person, more specifically, to release a situation or a person to the very will of God.
  • Curse – verb: to speak death, misery, sickness, or human judgment, against a situation or person.

What we often don’t realize is that when we take it upon ourselves to be the releaser of the curse, we take that situation out of God’s hands and into our own.

God is a curse breaker. His ways are infinitely above ours.

Here’s the rub:

Very often “calling it like we see it,” is nothing more than cursing cloaked as observation.

Faith does not call it like it is. Faith calls those things that are NOT as though they were.

This is as true in our sex life as anywhere.

So, here is your mission, should you choose to accept it:

Stop cursing your sex life.

Stop pointing out to yourself all this is wrong with your mate, or even your self.

Call forth what you’d like to see, what you believe is truly the highest plan for your marriage.

It’s impossible to do so without an accompanying feeling of gratitude.

Let’s give examples from above.

Instead of,

“Our sex life is terrible.”

Say, feel and lay hold of – “Our sex life is turning around, even when I can’t see how!”

Instead of,

“My wife is draining the life out of me by refusing me all the time.”

Say, feel and be open to:

“Even though I’ve taken things personally in the past, I am seeing how to become more and more attractive to my wife.”

“All these issues are part of our success story.”

“I love that woman and she loves me.”

You get the idea.

I am not saying this will be easy.

Not saying you won’t feel like a liar.

But even if you WERE lying, did you know that a lie heard often enough becomes believed as truth? Why not “brainwash” yourself with life-giving thoughts?

For just 2 weeks, ask for your eyes to be opened to how often you release the curse.

Make the decision to release blessing.

I had to do this when my husband came home from the Gulf. After the first month, the adjustment to each other was suddenly unbelievably awkward.

I’ll talk more about that another time.

The good news is, we are stronger than ever, and you can be too.

What Part Does Sex Play in Casual Relationships?

I received a wonderful email last week raising a question about the definition of ‘casual relationship’ opposed to ‘serious relationship’. I have some thoughts on this but I would love to throw this out to all of you for your thoughts as well.

The person who sent the question thought that, for her, a casual relationship becomes a serious relationship when sex comes into play. The person she was having the conversation with on this topic, a male, suggested that even casual relationships could be sexual.

I’m going to agree with both and I think what it comes down to is not so much the definition of ‘relationship’ but more the definition of ‘sex’. Sex can be present in casual relationships though, for many, this might be considered more something a man would do rather than a woman. The argument here is often that while sex for a man can be purely a physical act, for a woman sex is always emotional. The truth about this is that, I believe, that sex can be purely physical for a woman as well.

On the contrary though, sex in a serious relationship is more likely to be an emotional act for both people as this now becomes less about satisfying a selfish physical need for sex and more of a representation of one person’s love and care for another by which sex becomes more a selfless act of pleasing another person.

So what then is the definition of ‘relationship’? This one sent me scurrying to the dictionary which said, amongst other things, that “relationship is an emotional connection between people, sometimes involving sexual relations”. Obviously there can be many kinds of relationships between people but I guess we most often think of relationship as some intimate connection between two people and if this is serious then indeed there may be a sexual connection as well though not necessarily.

So, as my reader also suggested, “there is no answer to this, because of our sexual biases (or desires)”, but a topic that is well worthwhile opening up for discussion.

What do you think?

If you would like to enter into this conversation please add your comments via the link at the bottom of my blog.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Lidy Seysener