5 Ingredients For Great Christian Married Sex

As a counselor, a common complaint I hear from Christian married couples is unsatisfactory sexuality. What makes great Christian sex? Here are 5 essential ingredients for not just healthy sex, but great Christian sex!

1. Naked and Not Ashamed

Genesis 2:25 gives the building blocks to a solid foundation of a healthy marriage and sexuality: Intimacy. Dictionary.com defines shame as “the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, and ridiculous.” Adam and Eve had just met, and yet they felt “naked and not ashamed.” There was an emotional, physical, and spiritual safety. Great sex is a by product of such intimacy between two people.

2. Fly Solo with your Spouse

The sweetest sex occurs by taking the time to nurture the relationship with one person over time. Some say staying married to the same person is boring. Quite the contrary! It becomes an adventure to walk the twists and turns with your mate on this journey called life. We get to rediscover our spouse a new over time with the added benefit of knowing them from the past.

3. Have it!

In the busyness of life, it is amazing how easy sex is neglected in married couples. This can happen in all phases of marriage: newlywed, small children, adolescent children and empty nest. Somehow we think great sex comes when everything has to be perfect: the lighting, the place, the music. These are the icing, but sometimes you just have the cake, which can be equally satisfying.

4. Pleasurable techniques

Each spouse desires to satisfy their spouse sexually, yet may feel inadequate because they may lack the practical know-how. As a counselor, I usually suggest married spouses begin with just stimulating the erogenous zones of the body – the genitals and breasts, and then begin communicating what is pleasurable. Find some resources to educate yourself on the practice of lovemaking, and implement them.

5. Communication

Communication is simply talking about everything that makes sex better. Ambience, places, technique, and frequency are good ideas to begin to discuss with your spouse. Your spouse cannot please you sexually if he/she is unaware of your preferences. You and your spouse can become the best sex coaches for your marriage if you are willing to communicate your sexual needs and desires.

What about you? Are you experiencing great sex as a Christian married couple? Perhaps you need to find some time to have sex. Or maybe you need to get some valuable resources to educate yourself on better techniques to satisfy you spouse. Are you rediscovering your spouse? Remember, God desires sex for married couples to not be good, but great!

Spirituality and the Morality of Sex and Promiscuity

Myths abound surrounding the topics of sex, promiscuity, and spirituality.

Consider this anonymous feedback we received from “Emily”: “So two guys who obviously aren’t into commitment write about what a less-than-desirable ideal sexual commitment is, with no thought of feeding the kids. How very cool. Strong families are the bedrock for a strong city or state or nation. We must rise above promiscuity in order to achieve greater things and optimum survival for all. That’s what ethics is all about. The more preoccupied people become with sex, the less productive and less able they are to achieve spiritual, intellectual growth, and this would also apply to cities, states and nations. Therefore, this is not only about better survival for individuals, but also for our society and for all mankind.”

We have always promoted a healthy, responsible, and honest approach to dating, sex, and relationships. Clearly, this person is misrepresenting our writings.

The definition of “promiscuous,” according to Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “having many sexual partners.” Everyone has a different idea about how many sexual partners in a lifetime would put them in the “promiscuous” category.

Also, it’s important to note that the word promiscuous is also defined as “without discrimination,” as if one would sleep with anyone, anytime, no matter what. We believe that’s unhealthy and don’t advocate doing it. For this article, we define promiscuous as not limiting yourself to one partner, while being honest, safe, selective, cautious, and responsible.

“A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are.” Victor Lownes

It’s shocking that someone would attempt to control the behavior of consenting adults–strangers they don’t even know–though it shouldn’t be if you consider how many control-freak busybodies there are in this world (e.g., bureaucrats, politicians, and lobbyists with a moral superiority complex). “Morals” are subjective and a judgmental, puritanical attitude is about as far from being spiritual as you can get.

“Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.” Aldous Huxley

“Rising above promiscuity” has nothing to do with “achieving greater things and (the) optimum survival for all.” In fact, repressing your sexual urges can be dangerous because it results in perversion. There’s nothing wrong with consensual sex between adults, and a healthy sex life doesn’t diminish productivity or spiritual and intellectual growth–in fact it can absolutely enhance it once you get over your sexual hang-ups.

Mutually satisfying sex with one person exclusively over the course of a lifetime is a nice thought, but unfortunately it’s extraordinarily rare and pure fantasy for most people. When the sexual attraction dies (often after two to seven years) you can remain companions, but if that’s not fulfilling enough for you, do you really prefer a slow, inner death, just to prove to everyone your relationship can last 50 years? Attention all couples: more communication and honesty about this topic will decrease the risk of secret affairs.

Emily’s comment about, “no thought of feeding the kids,” is absolutely ironic because we are staunch advocates of putting the child first (i.e., creating a child contract rather than a marriage contract–we write about that concept previous articles), instead of the selfish needs of two unhappy adults who are trying, unsuccessfully, to conform to the nearly impossible expectations and demands of traditional marriage.

“Ethics” is all about transparency and honesty-a person can be monogamous or non-monogamous and still be ethical. The problem is when one is deceitful, such as when a married person cheats (and statistics show at least 50% of married people do cheat).

The survival and advancement of society and mankind requires, in part, productivity, responsibility, and integrity. It’s thwarted by unhappy people in sexless marriages, attempting to permanently uphold the fantasy of the nuclear family. An approximate 60% divorce rate, in addition to countless unhappy couples attempting to “make it work,” suggests that the prevailing marriage model is absolutely dysfunctional.

It’s okay to have believed the myth about promiscuity being evil; its perfectly acceptable and natural to have many sexual partners over the course of your life, as long as you are responsible, safe, and respectful.

Copyright © 2014 Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo

What Part Does Sex Play in Casual Relationships?

I received a wonderful email last week raising a question about the definition of ‘casual relationship’ opposed to ‘serious relationship’. I have some thoughts on this but I would love to throw this out to all of you for your thoughts as well.

The person who sent the question thought that, for her, a casual relationship becomes a serious relationship when sex comes into play. The person she was having the conversation with on this topic, a male, suggested that even casual relationships could be sexual.

I’m going to agree with both and I think what it comes down to is not so much the definition of ‘relationship’ but more the definition of ‘sex’. Sex can be present in casual relationships though, for many, this might be considered more something a man would do rather than a woman. The argument here is often that while sex for a man can be purely a physical act, for a woman sex is always emotional. The truth about this is that, I believe, that sex can be purely physical for a woman as well.

On the contrary though, sex in a serious relationship is more likely to be an emotional act for both people as this now becomes less about satisfying a selfish physical need for sex and more of a representation of one person’s love and care for another by which sex becomes more a selfless act of pleasing another person.

So what then is the definition of ‘relationship’? This one sent me scurrying to the dictionary which said, amongst other things, that “relationship is an emotional connection between people, sometimes involving sexual relations”. Obviously there can be many kinds of relationships between people but I guess we most often think of relationship as some intimate connection between two people and if this is serious then indeed there may be a sexual connection as well though not necessarily.

So, as my reader also suggested, “there is no answer to this, because of our sexual biases (or desires)”, but a topic that is well worthwhile opening up for discussion.

What do you think?

If you would like to enter into this conversation please add your comments via the link at the bottom of my blog.

So until next time – Relate with Love

Lidy Seysener